


if only

by kirschhhstein



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 01:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1963794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirschhhstein/pseuds/kirschhhstein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Armin watched as Jean's hands clenched and unclenced around fistfuls of his blanket; his brows furrowed and his mouth open slightly as though in protest.  Armin wanted to close it for him, to trace his fingertips along his jaw and under his chin before gently pushing it up.  Then he'd want to smooth out that frown with his thumbs, let them rest on Jean's temples and kiss the space between them."</p><p> </p><p>for jearminweek ii "fantasy" prompt<br/>snk spoilers up to chapter 59</p>
            </blockquote>





	if only

**Author's Note:**

> why do i do this to myself

It wasn't the titans that caused it.  It was the floods.

Nobody had died, and only a few had been hurt, but  _many_ were heavily... inconvenienced.

The rain had been mostly concentrated in Shiganshina, and Armin didn't think he'd ever seen so much water in his life.  His own home had been affected by the floods; the already weak roof of their small cottage had caved in, and the water from the street had seeped under the doors and ruined a great deal of their possessions.

"Is this how much water there is in the ocean?"  He'd marveled, slung over his grandfather's shoulder as he waded through the streets.  The water would've been up to Armin's chin if he'd been on the ground, which his grandfather had refused to allow.  But his boots were making wonderful sloshing sounds as he moved sluggishly, so Armin didn't mind too much.

"Nah, there's much more water than this."  His grandfather said.  "Well... Probably."  He added gruffly.  He hadn't seen the ocean for himself either.

For all of Armin's fascination, he seemed to be the only one thrilled by this change of environment.  He'd almost cried when they were told that most of the Shiganshina population were being transported to Trost for the time being while the town was cleared up and buildings were repaired.  And that they'd probably have to take shelter with those that already lived there.

He brightened up though when his grandfather reminded him of the bigger schools in Trost, and that Armin and the others would probably have to go there for a while.  Eren was less enthusiastic.

"You'd think with all that's happened they'd have cancelled school already,"  He huffed.  "For us Shiganshina ones at least.  We've been stuck in a house with this grumpy old woman who won't let me pet her cat."

Eren wasn't the only miserable one.  Plenty of those already in Trost were less than thrilled at the prospect of sharing their homes with strangers, especially with those from Shiganshina.

"For being in the middle ring, they sure are stuck up."  Eren snorted and swore loudly as he tripped over a loose cobble on their way to school.  A local girl walking ahead whipped her head around and gasped, somehow managing to look both scandalised and infuriated at the same time.  Eren stuck his tongue out at her.

Armin didn't mind what Eren said, but he couldn't say that it wasn't true.  He and his grandfather had been placed with an existing family too.  Mrs. Kirschstein had seemed welcoming enough, happy for more people to enjoy her cooking.  He couldn't say the same for her eldest son though.

He had taken one look at Armin's soggy clothes and dirt-smeared cheeks before snorting dismissively and not saying a single word.

 _Well that's hardly fair._ Armin thought.   _His haircut's weird._

He tried not to pay it too much mind though, to the boy called Jean, since he wouldn't be too pleased either if he had to share his own room with a stranger.  He hated it already anyway, sharing with the other boy.  Changing in front of him was embarrassing, so he always pretended to still be sleeping while Jean changed and went downstairs first.  He could always feel Jean's eyes peeking at him though, as though checking that he was sleeping after all.

Other than that, Armin was ignored.  At the breakfast table, on the way to school (Jean usually walked ahead), and even in class (which Armin thoroughly enjoyed) he was ignored in favour for a kind-faced boy with freckles, or to pick a fight with Eren.

Armin just kept his head down, soaking in all the new information in class, and trying to avoid a whole new pool of bullies.  He didn't always succeed.

Bullies here seemed to be smarter, more careful than the ones at home.  They never said anything to Armin outright, or physically pushed him around at school.  Especially not in front of Eren or Mikasa.  It was comments whispered out the corner of their mouths as they walked past him, or he'd feel a sharp painful yank on his hair and turn around to see them shrugging at him innocently without saying a word.  Nobody else would notice, and Armin never mentioned it to anyone.

On a day when the sky was especially dull, and lessons hadn't been as interesting as usual, Armin's life shifted unexpectedly not for the first time.  He was on his way home, having split from Mikasa and Eren a few streets before, when something hard collided with the back of his head.

He stumbled forwards, just barely holding on to his books, and looked up in time to catch a smirk on an older boy's face as he walked by with a few others.  They didn't stop, but Armin knew that at least one of them was the culprit for his throbbing head.

"Does that always happen?"

Armin tensed and turned to see who had spoken.

Jean stood a few feet behind him, a dark scowl on his face.  He seemed angry _at_ Armin.  "Well?"

"Not... Not always."

"I don't believe you."

Armin shrugged as though to say "So don't."

He was subjected to a lengthy glare before the other boy shook his head, exasperated.  Jean then started walking, past Armin towards his house.  Armin stayed rooted to the spot and stared after him until he abruptly turned around.

"What are you doing?"  He exhaled impatiently through his nose.  "Hurry up, I'm wanting dinner."

Surprised, Armin blinked.  Was that... an invitation to walk home together?  They'd never done that before.  Jean had never even  _spoken_ to him before.  Was he doing this out of pity?  Was Jean even the type to do things out of pity?

Armin stayed silent and still, watching Jean's jaw clench and unclench.  He could tell that Jean was struggling not to snap at him.

"We haven't got all day, you know."

Well, at least he probably tried.

Armin hurried to catch up, startled and then embarrassed of his sudden happiness at Jean's harsh words.

He continued being embarrassed for the rest of the day, as Jean kept looking at him over the table with a focused frown, and suddenly asking him questions about his home in Shiganshina.  About how it'd be soon be ready for everyone to return.  It was much worse when they went to bed though.

Armin had been sleeping on and in blankets on the floor of Jean's bedroom.  Mrs. Kirschstein had reminded them to take turns on the bed, but Armin hadn't dared remind Jean and Jean hadn't acknowledged it either.  But that night, when Armin returned from washing up he found that Jean had taken his place on the floor.

"What?"  Jean demanded, his cheeks slightly flushed as Armin stared.  "I just... felt like sleeping down here today, that's all.  That's  _all._ "

Armin decided to spare him any further embarrassment and just moved around him silently to the bed.  He sank into it and was unable to suppress a deep sigh.  He hadn't been this comfortable in almost a month.  Perhaps more than that, since Jean's mattress seemed far softer than his own back home.

He murmured a "Thank you" before almost immediately falling unconscious, deaf to Jean's spluttering.

It became worse ( _better?)_ after that day.  Jean seemed to deliberately slow down his morning routine, forcing Armin get dressed, have breakfast, and walk to school with him if he wanted to be on time.  During school, when Eren and Mikasa were absent for whatever reason, Armin would always find Jean somewhere close by and accidentally catch his eye.  Jean would always look away and glance back when he thought Armin's gaze had moved elsewhere.  It never had.

And like that day, Jean would walk him home once he had separated from Eren and Mikasa (Armin thought he must've followed them straight out of school, as he always appeared the second Eren and Mikasa were out of sight).  Each day over dinner they would talk with their mouths full, sometimes too eager to talk to each other to remember their manners.

Armin soon found out that he, like Jean had done to himself, had dismissed the other boy too quickly.  Talking with Jean, being with Jean, it was...  _easy._ Unlike with Eren and Mikasa, Jean always seemed to be on the same wavelength as Armin.  They could argue, but it felt more like a friendly debate.  Even when Armin huffed at him and Jean puffed back, they knew they'd move past it quickly because neither could bear to give the other boy up for long.

It was easy until it became nerve-wracking.

Sometimes Armin would catch himself looking at Jean when he didn't need to, and thinking about him when he shouldn't be (he'd been told off by their teacher for daydreaming twice already that week).  Thinking about how he'd burst out laughing around midnight the night before at something Armin had said, and how he'd started ruffling his hair whenever Armin said something clever.  Or whenever Armin did anything at all.  Really, there was a lot of unnecessary touching.  And for some reason the unnecessary touching caused the unnecessary effect of his face pinkening.

Armin knew it couldn't just be himself though.  Sometimes, when he dared to, he would look up at Jean with pink cheeks and watch the taller boy cough and turn away with a mumble.  If Armin could catch a glimpse of his face, he could usually tell that Jean was also blushing.

And Jean continued to make them rotate between the bed and the floor, always making sure to get to their room first since Armin had a tendency to automatically lay down on the floor no matter whose turn on the bed it was.

Then as the nights grew colder, Jean did the worst thing.

"Oi."  Armin turned to look up at Jean on the bed, trying to force himself to stop shivering so obviously.

"What?"  He whispered back.

Jean threw his quilt back and jerked his head.

Armin felt his face grow hot, embarrassed to be embarrassed.  "Um, no thanks.  I'm fine."

"Armin, it's freezing."

"Really, I'm -"

 _"Bloody hell Armin, would you just get in?"_ Jean hissed.  If Armin squinted in the darkness, he thought he could see the tips of Jean's ears go red.

Unwilling to argue with a cranky Jean so late at night (Jean was cranky when it was cold; though he was also cranky when he was hot.  Really, Jean was just generally cranky.), Armin only sort of reluctantly clambered into the bed.  He brought up his own blankets to cover them once Jean had tucked the quilt around them once more.

They were nose to nose, and Armin was sure that Jean could feel the heat radiating off of Armin's face.  He'd never been this close to another boy or girl that wasn't Eren or Mikasa before, and he didn't think he would ever want to until now.

Armin didn't think he'd need the extra blankets for much longer, he was getting warmer with each second that Jean refused to move away from him.

Just as the mortification almost become too much and Armin rolled onto his other side to escape Jean's stare, the other boy spoke.

"Why don't you smile?"

"Wha...  I do smile."

"Not a lot."

"Yes, I do."

"Not with me."  Jean's breath tickled Armin's cheek, and he had to close his eyes to compose himself.

"I do smile with you."

"Not a lot.  I dunno why though, 'cause I think I'm pretty funny."

Armin did smile then.  He thought Jean was funny too, but probably not in the way Jean thought himself to be.

"See?  I think you should do that around me more."

"Only if you do too."

"I do though.  I smile way more than I used to."

"Because of me?"  Armin whispered, his heart thudding in his chest.  He felt nervous now.  His hands were clutched to his chest and his fingers were trembling.  He was torn between wriggling closer or rolling off the bed altogether.

"Yeah... Yeah, I dunno why, but I like it better when you're around and I-"  Jean's voice caught, and Armin realised that he was shaking too.  It couldn't be the cold though, it couldn't.

Suddenly Jean yanked the quilt up and over their heads.  The cool air cut off, as did their only source of light from the window.  Armin brought his hands up to his mouth and waited as his heart leapt into his throat.

_No way, Jean wouldn't... He doesn't... Does he?  Do I?  I..._

"...think I like you."  Jean whispered, hardly making any sound at all.  "And I know you're leaving soon, but... I don't want you to go."

Armin involuntarily let out an excited breath when he felt Jean's hand against his face, his thumb just grazing under his eye and the tips of his fingers against his cheek.  Swallowing his nerves, Armin turned his head slightly and kissed the edge of Jean's palm.  Jean inhaled sharply and shifted closer.

"I don't want to go either,"  Armin murmured, hardly moving his lips as he felt Jean's breath against them.  "I want to stay here with you."

"Why don't you?"  Jean said and kissed Armin right there under the blankets.

 

 

_If only._

 

With some effort, Armin sat up and rubbed at his eyes in a vain attempt to clear his sight.  His eyelids had been sticky for the best part of an hour, yet he still couldn't sleep.  All the daydreaming in the world couldn't soothe him.

He pulled up the thin sheet with him, holding it to his chest as though it could actually generate the warmth it had failed to give him for every night previous.

"Armin."

He didn't even start; just stared blearily at the figure hunched by the doorway.  He could just about make out Rivaille's impassive features in the dim moonlight that strained through the filthy windows of the even filthier barn.

"I'm fine."  Armin said, then wished he hadn't.  Rivaille hadn't even given the slightest hint that he was concerned, yet Armin had responded reflexively with a lie.  His voice had even come out hoarse, and he didn't doubt that Rivaille would recognise that it was thick with emotion, not just tiredness.

If Rivaille did recognise it, he gave no sign.

"I'm fine."  Armin tried again, this time without cracking on the  _"fine."_

Rivaille kept staring.  Armin cleared his throat.  "Since I'm up, I could take over watch -"

"No."  Rivaille's voice was quiet so as not to wake the others, but it was no less absolute.  "You haven't slept.  You're in no condition to act fit as guard."

Armin tried not to make the slumping of his shoulders so obvious.  He knew Rivaille's words made sense, and that he wasn't going to let him do anything until Armin had at least a few hours of rest.  And Armin didn't think that those peaceful hours would come any time soon.

He couldn't remember the last peaceful hours he'd had.

"Go to sleep.  It's Sasha's shift next anyway."

"Isn't there anything I -"

"Sleep."  Rivaille repeated, staring Armin down until the boy finally bowed his head and shifted his gaze elsewhere.

He knew where he would look before he did.  It had become another reflex; his eyes constantly drawn towards there.  Armin had made a point to  _always_ know where to look.

Jean had become a restless sleeper since they'd left the barracks for the 104th training squad far behind them.  It was hard to think that in actuality it wasn't too long ago they were all there, the trainees sleeping soundly (well,  _most_ of them) and nowhere near enough prepared for what was to come and what they would have to do.  Jean least of all.

He snored a little quieter and occasionally murmured incoherently.  He also shifted a lot more often, as though he refused to let himself sink into comfort for more than a few minutes at a time.  A little like Eren, but with a lot less energy.

Armin watched as Jean's hands clenched and unclenced around fistfuls of his blanket; his brows furrowed and his mouth open slightly as though in protest.  Armin wanted to close it for him, to trace his fingertips along his jaw and under his chin before gently pushing it up.  Then he'd want to smooth out that frown with his thumbs, let them rest on Jean's temples and kiss the space between them.

To Armin that wasn't anything strange.  To want to do those things.  Brushing away scowls with light touches was familiar to him.  He'd had enough practice over the years with Eren's nightmares.

What  _was_ out of the ordinary is that Armin wouldn't want to stop there; at Jean's forehead where he could still potentially pass it off as mild co-squad member affection (though Armin doubted that Jean would be the last person to accept that). _  
_

He wanted to slip his hands behind Jean's head and cradle it against his own, gently scratch at the hair shaved short in a way that Armin had already convinced himself Jean would love.  He'd also love when Armin's own hair tickled his face and neck, and love it when Armin pushed him down and touched him and made him forget.  Made them both forget.  Jean would love everything about Armin.

_Not everything._

The face flashing in Armin's mind was like a kick to the gut.  The face twisted in fear and torment for the briefest of moments before it vanished in a spatter of red.  The face that might've looked kind before Armin shot it.

Then he remembered the look on Jean's face afterwards.

He clapped a hand to his mouth with a smack as the bile rose in his throat.

_He's okay, Jean's okay.  I didn't do anything that anyone else wouldn't have done to save their friend.  He knows that.  I kept everyone safe - kept **him** safe.  He's safe, I'm fine.  I'm fine._

Armin forced himself to swallow his panic, and lowered his trembling hand.  He was uncomfortably aware of Rivaille shooting him a sharp glance in the dark before standing to exit the barn.  He moved almost soundlessly.

_Didn't want to hang around for another impending mental breakdown, I guess._

"Armin."

This time Armin did start when his name was whispered to him from across the barn.  He looked over to find Jean sitting upright and looking at him, wide-eyed.  He must've woken himself up with whatever frown-inducing dream he'd been having.

"Are you cold?"

Armin glanced down to where his sheet had fallen on to his lap.  His shoulders were still shaking, but he shook his head.  He  _was_ cold; he just didn't feel like admitting it.

If this was still his fantasy, Jean wouldn't accept that as his answer.  He'd crawl over the snoozing Connie and Sasha (almost, but not quite entangled together in a haphazard manner; Armin supposed it was comforting to them at least) to Armin, wrap both blankets around the two of them and hold him tight against his chest.  He'd then kiss Armin's hair and murmur reassurances and promises and all the things that Armin almost didn't believe in anymore but would play along with anyway because it was Jean saying those things.

But Jean didn't say any of those things.  He didn't do anything.  Instead he mumbled a quiet "Okay.  Well then, night", pulled his blanket around himself once more and lay down, facing away from Armin.

He didn't speak another word, but Armin could tell that he was still awake for hours afterwards as he didn't restlessly move around either.

Armin lay down as well, reaching out to clasp the back of the silent and still sleeping Mikasa's shirt in his hand, and biting down on the other to stifle a whimper.

Maybe next time Jean wouldn't pretend to believe that Armin was fine.  He might even attempt to talk about it, or try to comfort him.  Hold him maybe.

Armin sucked in a breath of silent hysterical laughter and bit down harder.

 

_If only._

**Author's Note:**

> why do i stall updating my fic to write this instead
> 
> why do i write sad jearmin to 'memory of the past' from the free! soundtrack
> 
> why do i write sad jearmin period


End file.
